REBUILDING RELATIONSHIPS AFTER TREATMENT FOR ADDICTION

Communication Traps

Why are words so important? What difference does it make how something is said? How is it possible that the listener can receive a different message than the speaker intended?
Avoid Communication Traps:
Effective Communication Skills

Why are words so important? What difference does it make how something is said? How is it possible that the listener can receive a different message than the speaker intended? Learning effective communication skills can help you in recovering your relationships with loved ones.

It is vital to a recovering relationship that both parties leave the past behind and stay in the present. It is a very difficult thing for most couples, and those involved in other relationships such as work and friendships, to accomplish.

People have overpowering feelings of guilt, anger, hurt, stress, low self-esteem, and defensiveness. Negative patterns of interacting have become automatic.

In order to learn new ways of talking to each other and avoid blaming and arguing, the following issues need to be considered. If there is a particular pattern of interacting you recognize, try to guard against falling back into it when you discuss "stressful or sensitive issues" with another person. Check yourself when you are talking and see whether you are falling into any of the stress inducing communication traps.

1. Are you assuming?
If you are not certain whether a remark was meant to be positive or negative, check it out by asking.

2. Are you hinting?
Ask openly for what you want or need and try to accept the fact that your request may or may not be granted.

3. Are you giving double messages?
Often facial expressions or our gestures give a very different message than the speaker's words. Listeners need to be aware of nonverbal cues they may also be giving.

4. Can you admit a mistake?
If being right is more important to either party than being understood, communication will clearly break down. The idea is to begin to understand each other and not to resort to stress inducing power struggle.

5. Do you triangle?
When you are talking "about" someone and speaking to another person you are triangling. Speak directly ro the person you are discussing to avoid this trap. Triangling is not communicating effectively.

Paying attention to these issues will help the recovery process and reduce stressful situations. Clear positive interactions will allow both people to grow in self-esteem and confidence and will pave the way to a committed, enjoyable and trusting
relationship.

Fighting Fairly

Fighting is not good or bad but, the way people fight can have positive or negative results

Fighting Fairly: Rules for Healthy Arguing

It is not realistic to expect a relationship to be free of stress-inducing conflict. Fighting (arguing) is not good or bad, but the way couples fight can have positive or negative results.

When alcohol and/or drugs are being abused and couples are arguing, bad habits can be learned. During the last fight you can remember, were you observing these ground rules?
Arguing Recommendations

1. No physical violence allowed! This rule cannot be repeated too often. While conflicts can often help you strengthen your relationship, abuse always destroys relationships.

2. Try to keep your voice down. If you start to yell, your partner will probably react to your loudness instead of responding to your words. What you are saying gets lost in how you are saying it.

3. Say what you feel when you feel it. Make a commitment to share your emotions honestly, even when they are at their most intense level. Do not forget to share the good feelings too, not just the bad.

4. Don't say it if you don't mean it. Choose your words as carefully as you can in the heat of the moment. Although you can apologize later or say you didn't mean it, you can never truly take them back once they've slipped out of your mouth.

5. Don't hit below the belt. The better you know someone the better you know his or her most vulnerable spots. Avoid the temptation to aim for those vulnerable spots during a fight.

6. Do not blame, condemn, attack, or criticize your partner. Concentrate on communicating how you feel.

7. Stick to the here and now. Don't bring up old issues, third parties who aren't really involved, or any other extraneous material.

8. Be specific. Don't generalize or use expressions like "You never…" or You always…"

9. Give each other equal time. Listen. Don't interrupt when your partner is speaking. Give the other person a fair chance to express their feelings and options.

10. Make a commitment to end fights peacefully. Do not allow a fight to become open ended or ongoing.